Madness!

My book is coming along very well,  The first part is almost complete; I'm about ten chapters in. So, that's dandy and all, but sometimes when I'm on the outside looking in, I worry about my personal sanity. I've always thought I was kinda strange, but now as I'm going back and analyzing some stories of my past, I have become very concerned for myself. I remind myself of Dr. Frankenstein, when he's on the brink of his greatest scientific finds, he is also on the brink of insanity. Perhaps too, I will create a monster that will one day destroy me.

I've never thought so much about my childhood and teenage years then I have recently. Other than when I was a child and teenager, of course. The more I write, the more I'm able to remember my past. Some of these things I haven't thought of since before my mission, and I suppose it's been like that for a reason. Sometimes you just need to move on from what has happened in the past, and not think about them. That's how I've dealt with most heartache at least. The longer I go without talking about things the happier and better off  I am. Sometimes my Mom brings up some of the stuff that happened when I was fifteen and I get really depressed. I think, "I could have gone without being reminded of what time of the year it is." Right now, I'm doing it to myself by writing this book. The book just happens to be loosely based on my childhood, but written in a very different, creative way. It's a realistic view of my childhood, with all the names of the innocent changed for protection, but at the same time the main story is completely contrived and fantastical; allowing me to be fun and creative about it. So, it's Gonzo Journalism meets a ghost story, with a twist of insanity, and ADD. Gonzoastanitadd is what I'll call it! Haha!

It's written in third person, so that's helped me distance myself from it a little; like I said I changed the names too, so it's almost like the little stories are about someone else, so that being said it's easier for me to write. It's been great therapy so far, and I think finally writing it and getting it out will help me put it in the past.

I'm mostly happy right now, I'm a little sick at the moment; I've got a fever or something and I'm sniffling a little. All is well however, and I hope all is well with you too.    

Rate of Fire

Well, I'm going to try still keep my blog updated, but to let you in on something, I've started writing my book. So, I'm laying it down thick, and am devoting all of my efforts to reading and writing. My blog entries will probably be less frequent; but I would like to, at least, update it every week; but like I said most of my writing efforts are being focused on the big story. I started writing on Sunday and have gotten very far into the introduction; which is hilarious, because it's narrator gets very distracted and goes off on tangents.  I have not even introduced any characters yet, besides the narrator; but he's definitely setting the story up through a set of thought provoking quandaries. I'm about ten pages in.

I'm excited to keep writing, so I'll leave you with a follow up story to my last post, that I thought was kinda funny:

I was still upset about not being able to donate blood and I was sharing my disappointment with my coworkers. I was upset mostly because I wasn't able to donate because my pressure was so high [which is a dumb reason], and we resolved as a group that humans just don't want my blood. However, Vampires are always looking for blood... they are an underfed sub-culture and need blood to live. So, supply and demand! I've got the stuff if you've got the money! I can sell my blood at discounted price because I make so much of it. Or an inflated price because I really didn't see too much of a market for it on the internet when I looked. Sure, you can buy gallons of fake blood on Ebay; but what about the real deal, premium grade, O negative crude? I was thinking about selling it by the vial[for snacks] or pint[for meals]; they'd sell like hot cakes! If the truth be told, a lot of Vampires have an identity crisis; most of them wish they didn't have to suck people's blood all the time. Some supposedly live on rats and all sorts of animals when they know what kind of blood they need to really live. Are you a Chupacabra or a Vampire? Anyway, It would give them a guilt free way of feeding themselves. They would know that I'm not going to die, so they're not killing anyone. So, it's win-win! I get rid of my excess blood and feel good, and they get rid of the rage that can control them if they go too long without it. An idea was suggested for a store front, but I don't know if I could supply that much. It would probably end up being more of a online service similar to Ebay, and my blood would auction off at unheard of prices. Disease free, low in cholesterol; a little high in iron, but that only adds to the flavor. If I'm not allowed to save the lives of the living, I might as well improve the lives of the undead. At least, that's how I look at it.     

Genetics

So, I try to go donate blood with a friend on Monday, and I get turned away because I fail the blood pressure test, for the hundredth time. You can't donate if your pressure goes above the high mark, and my did for sure. The phlebotomist tells me I should talk to some healthcare specialist, or check into the emergency room. I've heard similar speech a hundred times, so I tell the lady in a grumpy voice "Listen lady,  I've had Hypertension ever since I was a little kid," They used to think I got nervous around doctors and that's what shot it up; it wasn't natural. Here I was, a skinny little kid with high-blood pressure; that doesn't make sense! Shouldn't I be a two-hundred pound six year old? No, I was just a little thing, and I remember going to Wal-Mart, and checking my pressure, I couldn't sit in the chair right even, and my arm was so skinny; how accurate could that be?

Anyway, the phlebotomist is sitting there looking scared out of her mind, as if she was going to witness a death or something, and I'm just like whatever... but honestly, I was a very disappointed. I went and sat down at the table where the snacks were for the people who actually donated while I waited for my friend. It was a good moment for me to sit and reflect while my blood pressure climbed higher and higher; because I was really angry with myself; frustrated is a better word for how I was feeling. Why? Well, I've been getting a lot of exercise lately. Right now, I'm running about two miles straight in fifteen minutes. I'm losing weight and am starting to look good naked; I should have said better naked cause I always look good. I've also been eating somewhat healthy, taking vitamins, and generally taking good care of myself. So why can't I be healthy like anyone else?

The phlebotomist suggested genetics and I said "maybe," but I hadn't heard of any of my family having "the silent killer" when they were growing up. They do now! Lot's of them have had strokes and whatnot. Nobody's died from heart problems, however. Everybody in my family dies of cancer, do I dare to be different?

Yes I do, actually I think it's the fact that I am different that makes me have this weird "health complication". Maybe it's evolution, maybe it's some crazy suppressed gene that might have been necessary in the past. Think about this... this might seem sick to some of you, but I actually get pleasure out of giving blood. It feels very good, I think it actually relieves some of the built up pressure. I remember reading about how they use to "bloodlett" back in the day to stop strokes and for many other health related reasons. I get pleasure out of bleeding; even if I get cut and blood starts to gush, it amplifies any situation I'm in. However, let me say; I've never cut myself to make myself feel better, it's always been on accident. Like during a sport if I get cut I never feel it, but i feel this great burst of energy... I later find out that I'm bleeding, and everyone freaks a little. Bloodletting is mostly seen as harmful now, but I was angry that I wasn't able to donate for that reason. Can you please release some of my built up pressure! It would make me feel better.

Why do I think I have high blood pressure? Well, I think I my body produces a lot of blood. More blood than normal! Like when I've actually donated blood, they only take a pint... I never even feel it, and I wish they would take two so I could save 6 lives, instead of just three lousy lives. I'm O negative, it's the universal blood donor type. Maybe I'm like this so I can save more lives, but alas! I can't pass the pressure test. Maybe, my ancestors were warriors... they might, have very well been Vikings, who were known for their bloodlust. Maybe, I'm genetically compensating for expectant blood loss. Maybe I'm supposed to get in fights every once in a while, maybe even a sword fight or two. Overall, I feel healthy; I'm a little amped most of the time but that goes with living on the edge of sanity and I've tiptoed across that line back and forth since birth. 

OOPS got to go to work!  

Women?!=) ;(

Well, I'm discouraged with women. I was going to do some reading before I wrote this entry, but I'm too distracted. I've just heard too many stories, and have been involved in many tragic relationships over the last few years, and it makes me not want to even be in one. 

It's not true though, I do want to be in one[a relationship], but ya'll don't understand; I've got issues! I use to be quite a lovable little boy; my parents say the use to call me "Orin kissy-face"; but it wore off somehow, and I became an angry boy, who'd get in fights for no reason. People use to say I would walk around school looking like I was going to punch somebody in the face all the time. Before that, I use to always want to be around someone kissing them all the time.  That's how I want to be now, but I don't really have the opportunity. One day I'll write about why my mood changed... it's very complicated and will take a minute, so I'll save it for a time when I really want to write about it; it's not overly pertinent to the topic at hand. 

The topics at hand are: 

"Why can't we have a happy relationship?" 

"Why do we have so many fears when it comes to getting involved?" and

"Who know what else, I have ADD and probably wont stay on topic" 

I've seen a lot of relationships recently be doomed by separation and divorce. It's happened to a few of my friends lately and they're really having a hard time adjusting to being single again. It's always hard for me after I've been with someone so long, I almost can't imagine how hard it would be to have been married, then get a divorce, and try to hang out with "the guys" again. I wouldn't know what to do!

It reminds me of my mission. I was so use to being with someone all the time that when I actually got home and had nobody... well, it depressed the crap out of me! I was very happy when my buddies Jordan and Mike got home. It was almost like I was a missionary again, except I was jaded at that point. Women were still, and still are a mystery; but back then I failed on the approached. "All I wanted was somebody to love me, I didn't mean to scare you!" I scared a lot of girls back then, telling them I loved them; I would get terribly jealous for no reason... it was awful. I don't get as bad now, but sometimes it gets me down.

What gets me down worse is when you hear about somebody, a friend of mine, put his heart on the line for a girl, only to get it ripped out. He'd been in love with this girl since forever. He told me, he remembered the first time he saw her. He said she was walking in slow motion; he took it all in. He knew that he was going to love that girl. He did; he fell in love. Over the years they became really good friends, but they never dated; he wanted to, but she was dating all these jerks... but he was going to be her friend, for sure. So he was; he was her best friend. 

She went to live with her Dad at some point because she was having problems... an entire galaxy of problems. But he didn't care he was going to love her no matter what kind of problems she had; he was going to be her best friend. He'd go up there to visit; help her Dad with repairs, be a good friend to the family, everyone loved the guy. Members of that family are some of his best friends. She loved him. She told him she loved him, but it wasn't romantic yet. I might have been interpreted as a loving friendship. But she did tell him, if she would ever marry anybody, it would have been him or some other douche she dated for years.

He got an idea in his head, "Well, maybe I'll propose to her," he thought. When he told me, I was nervous but really excited because he was really excited. He had a new glow about him, you could really tell that he was happy. He bought a ring, and proposed to her; she said yes! Now he was really happy. I really thought she would say no; I really had my doubts, but she said yes and I was glag for him. He was even happier! 

Anyway, to make a long story short, he goes up there to surprise her and it turns out that she's hanging out with the douche she use to date for the day and had made out with him. She tells my friend that she was trying to see where they were at; to see if the douche were okay with her getting married or whatever, but that's bullshiz!!! How can you do that to somebody you love? Well, either you don't really love them, or you just have an entire galaxy of problems to deal with. 

So, hearing  stories like this scares me. Hearing stories about terrible divorces and with children involved, scares me more. I've heard a lot lately, and I'm worried that I'm gonna get caught up and make my own set of mistakes, and make my life more miserable; if that's even possible!!! Just kiddin on that last part, but this entry needed a little comic relief; it was a desperate move.

I'm worried I'm attracted to the wrong women sometimes. It's okay, it's part of growing, but I hate making mistakes. I'm a perfectionist who never gets anything right, so I'm doomed to be miserable forever. One day I'll figure it all out, and people will come to me. They'll journey from all over the world to get on my island, climb my mountain, and enter my sanctum, where they'll be greeted by the smells of incense and peace. There they will ask me the answers to all their problems, and I will say "Can't you see I have more problems then I can even deal with?! Why do you think I live on this island, away from everything?! I can't deal with this right now!!!! Get outa here!" 

 

What's in a Name?

 

A lot of thought goes into creating the perfect names for characters in great books. Robert Louis Stevenson, in my opinion has always had the best character names: Dr. Jekyll, Long-John Silver, Tom Morgan, Ben Gunn, and my all-time favorite: Israel Hands. In fact, I designed one of my character's name after Israel Hands' name; I came up with Patsy Noose. How they relate I cannot tell you, Patsy Noose's name was inspired by Israel Hands, that's all I can really say. Patsy ended up being my favorite character in that book[S.O.A.P.: A Society Of Angry People]. I even started a book, just about a year ago, about Patsy's background; I just love the guy . One day you'll all be able to read about him and I'll be very happy; he's like the friend you brag about when you're a kid and you're trying to impress girls or something. He's like the Mickey Mantle rookie card you keep in a glass case; the one you dust; the one you Windex. He's special.

There are lot's of Characters that I've created, that are inspired by characters in other books... name-wise, at least. Characteristics usually come from real-life, however, or my very sick imagination. 

Very sick, indeed. I've written about everything from cannibalistic ladies at an old-folks home, to fat men who dress up like chickens and pull out each other's teeth, as part of a "coming-of-age" ritual. The next book will be no different. Milder, but just as disturbing as ever, it will have moments where you'll be terrified. Not because something is going to jump out at you; not at all really. I'm talking about the fear you get when you accidently leave a child at a rest stop, or when you unintentionally set in motion events that lead the people you love the most to certain peril.

I've sidetracked a little... what about names again?

Well, I've come up with a name for the main Character in my new book. I've thought about this name quite a bit recently because it happens to be the name of one of my favorite musicians. This afternoon, I was sitting at a Table in Mojos, eating a Chicken Philly, and enjoying it quite a bit, when this man walked in, whom I recognized. He's not famous or anything, but I knew his name because he frequented the store.  He approached the counter to order and Chip, the owner, asked him his name, but I already knew his name. If my mouth weren't full of Philly deliciousness, and if I were at the counter, I would have said "Mr. Reed, what can I get you?" But Chip asked and he said, "Reed". I really don't know if it's actually his first or last name but I always call him "Mr. Reed" and he doesn't correct me. I don't know if he's being nice, or just trying to avoid an "involved" conversation... it doesn't matter. So, the name "Reed" stuck out to me today. 

Lou Reed, is probably the most influential musician for me, personally. I've thought of naming characters Lou or Lewis in homage for years but have never executed it. But Reed as a first name is sticking out to me now. I knew a guy growing up, first name Reed; nice guy. Reed Lewis would be a total homage; and ridiculous, so I don't think I can do that, but it's a nice name for sure. I could even make it Reed Louis... it doesn't look right, but then it'd be an homage to both Lou Reed and Robert Louis Stevenson.

I don't know why I'm reminded, but my Dad was looking through my CDs when I was on my mission, and I remember him telling me that he was a little shocked to see the Album covers on my Lou Reed CDs. He told me that Lou looked a lot like my grandfather, almost exactly like he remembered his father at least; he said it scared him a little. My Grandfather died when my Dad was sixteen [I think]. I never met him before but it was an affectionate thought, when my Dad wrote that to me. You know, that he still thought about his Dad from time-to-time. It made me think that you never really forget about the people you love, even after they're gone. I know that from first hand, but it was nice to hear it from my Dad even though he didn't really say it.   

Dang it! I hate when you get sweet ideas and you don't write them down. Last night, I had one of those and it's missing now. I remember having it, thinking about writing it down, not writing it down, but of course, THAT'S IT!!! I know it existed and that it was good but I did not write it down, I may not have had paper or pen at the time I have no idea. Which reminds me I saw a really stupid informercial the other day, let's see if I can find it! Here!

Now, the pen itself is ugly and looks like it would be hard to write with, but the idea is solid, however ridiculous you may look! But the thing is, I'd run into a similar problem. Where's my notebook?! I wonder if they can make a magnetic notebook or something, but at that point I'd have too many gaudy necklaces, and nobody would ever take me seriously.

Speaking of serious, I'm going to do some serious writing and reading tonight. I Have my big project I'm still working on, and will be working on. I hope to be done in a few months, but I have to get disciplined.  I used to stay up all night and write. I actually did it again recently, but girls are getting in the way, like they always do. 

"Women weaken legs!" Mickey from 1976's Rocky

They really do! I haven't written anything of significance these last few years because of it. I get afraid that I might offend them, that they'll hate my guts. It's true; some have hated my guts because of the things I've written, and that's how it always will be from now on. Why? Well, I'm tired of bending, bowing, and submitting to the whimsical dreams of others, unless I agree with them; I've always been this way. But recently I have been more submissive, and maybe that's why I've had so much success with women the last few years. Honestly, my one true love is writing, I feel like I've abandoned her and that's why she's been so unwilling to satisfy me these last few years.  Our relationship is getting better; we're not making out yet, but we're holding hands and looking into each other's eyes and dreaming of our potential together.   

First, a hilarious video... This lady totally uncovers a government conspiracy. Hilarity!!!

 

Anyway, life good right now; it's a new year! I'm excited because I'm already reaping the rewards of change. I was able to spend it with some beautiful people, and who knows where these relationships will lead. 

I'm getting pretty far on mapping out my story; I'm about half-way done. I'm really ready to start/finish and see where it leads. The story is very personal but it's also very fantastical; it deals with suicide, Halloween, and Ghosts. I want to say more because I'm really looking forward to it all, but a magician never reveals his secrets. Anywho, it's a Psychological thriller with a happy ending, designed lift you out of your very darkest moments. So Excited!!!!