Women?!=) ;(

Well, I'm discouraged with women. I was going to do some reading before I wrote this entry, but I'm too distracted. I've just heard too many stories, and have been involved in many tragic relationships over the last few years, and it makes me not want to even be in one. 

It's not true though, I do want to be in one[a relationship], but ya'll don't understand; I've got issues! I use to be quite a lovable little boy; my parents say the use to call me "Orin kissy-face"; but it wore off somehow, and I became an angry boy, who'd get in fights for no reason. People use to say I would walk around school looking like I was going to punch somebody in the face all the time. Before that, I use to always want to be around someone kissing them all the time.  That's how I want to be now, but I don't really have the opportunity. One day I'll write about why my mood changed... it's very complicated and will take a minute, so I'll save it for a time when I really want to write about it; it's not overly pertinent to the topic at hand. 

The topics at hand are: 

"Why can't we have a happy relationship?" 

"Why do we have so many fears when it comes to getting involved?" and

"Who know what else, I have ADD and probably wont stay on topic" 

I've seen a lot of relationships recently be doomed by separation and divorce. It's happened to a few of my friends lately and they're really having a hard time adjusting to being single again. It's always hard for me after I've been with someone so long, I almost can't imagine how hard it would be to have been married, then get a divorce, and try to hang out with "the guys" again. I wouldn't know what to do!

It reminds me of my mission. I was so use to being with someone all the time that when I actually got home and had nobody... well, it depressed the crap out of me! I was very happy when my buddies Jordan and Mike got home. It was almost like I was a missionary again, except I was jaded at that point. Women were still, and still are a mystery; but back then I failed on the approached. "All I wanted was somebody to love me, I didn't mean to scare you!" I scared a lot of girls back then, telling them I loved them; I would get terribly jealous for no reason... it was awful. I don't get as bad now, but sometimes it gets me down.

What gets me down worse is when you hear about somebody, a friend of mine, put his heart on the line for a girl, only to get it ripped out. He'd been in love with this girl since forever. He told me, he remembered the first time he saw her. He said she was walking in slow motion; he took it all in. He knew that he was going to love that girl. He did; he fell in love. Over the years they became really good friends, but they never dated; he wanted to, but she was dating all these jerks... but he was going to be her friend, for sure. So he was; he was her best friend. 

She went to live with her Dad at some point because she was having problems... an entire galaxy of problems. But he didn't care he was going to love her no matter what kind of problems she had; he was going to be her best friend. He'd go up there to visit; help her Dad with repairs, be a good friend to the family, everyone loved the guy. Members of that family are some of his best friends. She loved him. She told him she loved him, but it wasn't romantic yet. I might have been interpreted as a loving friendship. But she did tell him, if she would ever marry anybody, it would have been him or some other douche she dated for years.

He got an idea in his head, "Well, maybe I'll propose to her," he thought. When he told me, I was nervous but really excited because he was really excited. He had a new glow about him, you could really tell that he was happy. He bought a ring, and proposed to her; she said yes! Now he was really happy. I really thought she would say no; I really had my doubts, but she said yes and I was glag for him. He was even happier! 

Anyway, to make a long story short, he goes up there to surprise her and it turns out that she's hanging out with the douche she use to date for the day and had made out with him. She tells my friend that she was trying to see where they were at; to see if the douche were okay with her getting married or whatever, but that's bullshiz!!! How can you do that to somebody you love? Well, either you don't really love them, or you just have an entire galaxy of problems to deal with. 

So, hearing  stories like this scares me. Hearing stories about terrible divorces and with children involved, scares me more. I've heard a lot lately, and I'm worried that I'm gonna get caught up and make my own set of mistakes, and make my life more miserable; if that's even possible!!! Just kiddin on that last part, but this entry needed a little comic relief; it was a desperate move.

I'm worried I'm attracted to the wrong women sometimes. It's okay, it's part of growing, but I hate making mistakes. I'm a perfectionist who never gets anything right, so I'm doomed to be miserable forever. One day I'll figure it all out, and people will come to me. They'll journey from all over the world to get on my island, climb my mountain, and enter my sanctum, where they'll be greeted by the smells of incense and peace. There they will ask me the answers to all their problems, and I will say "Can't you see I have more problems then I can even deal with?! Why do you think I live on this island, away from everything?! I can't deal with this right now!!!! Get outa here!"